I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
