I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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