accomplished twins. life is a go
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
