You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize