Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
