A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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