just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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