I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
