Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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