im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
