Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
