dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
