is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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