glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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