Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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