Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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