I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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