How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
