I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
