I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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