If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
