My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
