Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
