so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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