Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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