So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
