Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
