i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize