I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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