shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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