He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
