My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
