The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
