They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
