Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
