Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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