I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
