Your tits are I can't wait for
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
