We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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