Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
