there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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