last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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