I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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