so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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