I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
