yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
smell my finger.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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