i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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