at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
