I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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