i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
