So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
