She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
