i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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