direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
