You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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