Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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