He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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