I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
