just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
