he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Randomize
