By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
