Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
